and she laughs
by Adreus
Summary: spoilers up to 106 — There is a constant anxiety to his existence. He thinks that's what it means to be Barian. —Mizael.


**Notes:** I refuse to let what's currently at the top of this archive stay at the top of this archive. So! Heavy speculation time.

The idea here is that Barians are people who died, had a special companion, and were reincarnated as Barians with some sort of "emptiness" about them and no memory of their previous life (i.e., Durbe's companion was his pegasus, and as a result of being betrayed by the three knights, he has difficulty understanding Ryoga's belief in his friends, but doesn't realize that is why).

This piece is on Mizael, the legendary Dragon Master, who was usurped/betrayed by someone in his past life. As a result, Mizael has a constant need to assert himself as the true master, and simultaneously deals with the emptiness that is missing his old companion, Jinlong-an emptiness he tries to fulfill with Tachyon, who he has trouble controlling simply for the reason that Tachyon _isn't_ Jinlong, isn't the companion that he misses so terribly.

* * *

_and she laughs_

* * *

There's a hollow in his heart, or at least those are the words he can put to this feeling, a strange, unworldly emptiness that he has always known. It is, he thinks, who _he _is; this constant, unyielding yearning—a need to go home, but isn't _this _home, a need to shed his being and become something greater, an anxiety at his core that refuses to dissipate, no matter how he deals with it. This might be, he thinks, one of those truths of life. He's no confirmation that the others feel it, too, as he's never asked—for if he does and they don't feel it and he does he'll be weak—but it's something that he wants to call Barian. This feeling.

What's odd about it is that it's been there forever—or, at least, he _feels _like it's been there forever—but he's never recognized the sensation for what it is before, never picked it apart or thought about its omnipresence, never really thought about it all until he came down to Earth, until he met those humans and thought about what it _means_ to be human, thought about what it means to be Barian, thought about it all as he laid on his back and gazed up at the stars, Tachyon's card held tightly in his decidedly human hand. There is a pulse in these human forms, blood that runs under the human skin, a steady beat that is the rhythm of humanity; a rising of the chest when he takes in air—and he doesn't even have to think about it, any of it, he marvels at all the things that human bodies can do—and it… it's itchy. It's foreign, it's strange, and it's… comfortable. Something he would rather not admit. How easy it is to slip into human forms.

(The first time he looked in a mirror here, the first time he saw his reflection and his face and frowned at his markings, Mizael felt something else—something lonely, something nostalgic—but he waved his hands and dismissed the thought, because this was the first time Mizael was seeing this face—but then why did it feel so familiar, why wasn't he surprised at all when he saw his human form?)

It… the feeling, the longing, the yearning, the need to fill his heart with something—it intensifies when he sees Kaito. When… well, when he sees Neo Photon, he feels Tachyon burn at his side, whether as a reaction to Kaito or as a reminder to Mizael that he is there, that he is Mizael's companion, Mizael isn't sure, but it fills him with a burning, there's something inside him that stirs and panics and needs to prove that he is Mizael he is the dragon master he is who he is and there's this _desperation_, to prove it to himself and to Kaito, but this is the first time he's meeting Kaito, isn't it, who is Kaito even that Mizael needs to prove himself to him, _a threat, he's a threat, you're the Dragon Master, aren't you, who can surpass you_—

When Vector says they have to collect Numbers, Mizael sets off on his own, just as Durbe does, heads indiscriminately toward one of the locations, and it turns out to be a mountain, turns out to be troublesome_—_but he has no complaints when he sees that Yuma and his friends are a mile or so above him. He follows them, and if he is lagging behind by a little bit he doesn't think it a problem, doesn't think_—_

—A mighty roar from the summit.

_—_(_"You have defeated me, Tenjo Kaito, and the master you seek, my former companion, goes by the name of_—")_—_

Mizael stops.

There is a wave of sadness. It comes over him very suddenly, like a cold, frozen arrow shot squarely at his chest, and Mizael stops, stares up at the mountain he is scaling, stares into his hands and squints at them and they're shaking, and he wonders if he's not just being ridiculous. If he has spent too much time here.

(here the earth here the universe here this life)

He shakes himself. There's no time to stop and consider things, not now. Now it's time to climb the mountain. Now it's time to find Kaito. Now it's time to find out what Mizael is worth.

(Because in Kaito, he thinks, once he has dueled him, once they have finished with each other, once he has won, perhaps there will be relief, perhaps his heart will calm, perhaps he will know himself, perhaps—)

Perhaps that roar is for him.


End file.
